Ultimate Balancing Act

Love is in the air

Romance sunshine and pure joy

But somehow all I feel is the defeat I see staring back at me in the mirrored water puddle that is life

For whatever reason I cannot grasp the joy that sits just beyond my reach

No matter how far I muster the courage to reach it always dances past my finger tips

I hope for more hope to carry me forward but my supply is dwindling

For reasons I have yet to understand I am stagnant trapped between worlds

I cannot continue this way

The pressure is building and I know it is only a matter of time before implosion occurs

I fight my daily battle to keep together all the pieces of myself hoping that today is not the day the inevitable occurs

For whatever reason I am beyond reasoning with

Medicated and sedated I am less than human but more than animal

Trying to get off the merry-go-round that is my life

Checking for the final destination

Where happiness and eternal joy can be found

Hoping I qualify for a system I have little belief in

Trying to keep it together one foot in front of the other

Step by step I keep walking the tightrope

The ultimate balancing act

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Always too Much

Everyday I feel like I’m being suffocated

Like an elephant is sitting directly on my heart

I try and dry my eyes long enough to see what’s happening

But like a broken windshield wiper I’m only left ruddy and unclear

I am not what I want to be

I am not what he wants me to be

I fear I never will be

Good enough

Smart enough

Strong enough

Thin enough

I will always be too little and yet always too much.

 

 

To be Conquered

Bundle of energy

Pursuit of happiness

Lots of laughs

Lots of tears

Hoping to belong with more than fears

Up and down and all around

Merry-go-round of life

Living to chase a dream

Dreaming of rest

Resting bitch face

Facing fears

Fearing everything

Everything to be conquered

 

Until the End

Death to self

Suicide squad activate

Hope is gone

Wondering how to go on

Little words spoken

Big ammunition

Bullets straight to the heart

Leaving pieces on the ground

Surrounded but always alone

Wishing for more

Knowing less

Unable to escape the sickness residing in my own mind

To lazy to act

So I’ll just sit here until

The end

Tears and Thoughts

Tears fell from great heights

Leaving puddles big enough to swim through on the floor

Natural highs followed by unnatural lows

Ebbs and flows out of place

Missing in action

Thoughts let loose like bullets

Mind controls

Everything and anything

Nothing yet everything

All mixed up together

With nothing but tears and thoughts

Vacant expression for a vacant start

Empty and emptying

Empathy drained

and love unloaded

A burden to bear

Thoughts and tears

Like bullets shot from a loaded gun

Mind games

 

To Whom it May Concern

To whom it may concern

I’m concerned

I’m concerning really

I don’t know how to stop

Stop the voices and the thoughts

To whom it may concern,

Who ever you are

Can you hear me

Please can you hear me

To whom it may concern

I can’t stop thinking

Thinking of what I should be

What I could be

What I’m not

To whom it may concern

Are you out there

Are you concerned

Are you watching

Watching me fall

Watching me hit the ground

To whom it may concern

I’m tired

Tired of hitting the ground

Tired of reaching for someone who doesn’t exist

Truthfully there is no one concerned

Just empty spaces where names should be