Stars Fall

Words used to fall like rain
It is still raining here.
But no words can come out, but my mouth is open
These rain drops fall with no dictionary to understand them.
I have choked on my own storm.
The mother tongue is gone, replaced only by animal sounds my body must have remembered from the beginning of time
Letting slips water droplets that are made of the same dust the stars are
My stars
They fall
Filled with only memories
And apologies that will never come

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Self Inflicted Stitches

Soft songs
Occupy hard places in my head
Where when left alone only chaos rains
My thoughts seem reigned by many
But somehow never myself.
I want to listen to heavy songs but I can’t take any more weight
The wait is killing me
They say stay a little while longer
And it will be okay
But I don’t know if I can take it
They say time heals all things
But I don’t know if time can mend this
At least not without a nasty scar and some stitches
And to be honest I was never good at waiting for things to be sewn
Haste is in my bones
And it’s hard to keep living when the only thing
That they prescribe is patience.
I’m a sprinter and this is not my first marathon
But I fear it will be my last.
I hope I can endure,
Somehow time is both my enemy and my cure.
Hope will be my blanket and my pillow
And time my medicine.
But it’s hard when your blanket grows thin.
Hopefully even when left on a bare floor,
I will remember why it is worth it.
And that is to see sunrises
And sunsets
And make memories that will
Make the old ones forget.
And to do that I must be a patient with better patience and my own seamstress.

Thoughts Fly Like Birds

I think therefor I am.
It’s funny how the very thing that assures me of my humanity is trying to rob me of it.
Steal my very existence away in badly thought thoughts in moments that will someday be memories
Where the only truths that seem real are that the whole world is sinking.
It’s funny because my thoughts are supposed to assure me of my reality
But lately they only seem to be distorting it
Or maybe they’re just showing me the reality of my situation
Maybe my old thoughts kept hidden these truths hidden
They seemed like straight line thoughts not the circles and loops and dancing thoughts
That seem to think my head is a stage.
I don’t know
Because in the moments when all I can hear are thoughts parading through my skull it makes the world look altered
I don’t feel like I am
Meant to be
I am falling
Even when my feet are planted firmly on the ground
Like a tree who seems so solid it could hold a whole house and ask for more
My thoughts whisper to me I’m meant to be a bird
A bird is meant to fly
A bird must learn to fly
A bird must jump away from the safety of a mother’s nest
It’s easier when your nest was never safety
And I feel I am a bird who is holding the wait of her whole world on her wings.
Maybe I am a bird
I think therefore I am does not end in human
If I am a bird it would explain many things
Like why I yearn to jump out of my tree and see if I can fly.
I stand looking down wondering what will happen to me
I know what will happen, for the dancing thoughts still leave a little room for the straight-laced ones
but a part of me still knows I can fly
If I will only leap and never look down.
And the straight-lined thoughts hold me back they are still familiar
But they seem to be shrinking and shrinking
And each time I know them a little less.
Sometimes I’m scared they will disappear.
And sometimes I hope they never come back.
Maybe then I will finally earn my wings.
Sometimes though, my thoughts get a little straighter and I remember I’m not a bird meant to fly I sink
I sink far to the ground and I wonder why I would have lied to me.
Then I wonder what it would be like to think thoughts that told me to stay alive
Because my thoughts keep telling me to disappear.
But still I must wonder if I’m a bird and all I need to do
Is fly.

Where the Safety Lies

My head is full of lies.
The truth seems to have fled.
I’m left alone in a dark room, that is only mine.
No one can hear the screaming locked up tight.
No one can see the colors and lights
That have been washed away by waves of self hatred
With bucketfuls of anxiety.
I can’t paint it
I can’t write it.
God must know that I have tried.
Its like a horror show only meant for me.
I wish someone would have told him, I scare easily.
I’m forced to watch my self tortured
In the space right behind my eyes,
No one else can see.
On the outside I’m the perfect image of health.
I am gracious
I am happy.
I can paint it
I can write it.
Everyone is safe,
Except me.

Growing Pains

I guess I’m an insomniac but different.
The nights where I don’t sleep are better than the others.
Those nights where sleep finds me are filled with haunting faces and terror.
It is a war-zone when I am sleeping
It is a war-zone when I wake
How much I yearn for rest.
I am tired of watching me kill myself
I am tired of waiting to die.
I am tired of wondering whose fault it was
I am tired of being terrified it was mine.
I am tired of doubting the truth because it comes from my memories
I am tired of the consequences
I am tired of knowing how you must have felt
I am tired of knowing how you must have felt about me
I am tired of beating myself up
I am tired of trying to stop.
I am tired of waiting, because time doesn’t seem to be fixing this one.
I am oh so tired.
But when I open my eyes
I see him
And he is beautiful
And he has been tired too
His face knows both smiles and tears
You wouldn’t believe me
He has taught me how to cry and
He will teach me how to smile
Because he’s had armies in his mind, just like mine
Created by someone just like you
He learned how to fight back
He has promised to help me fight too.
Sometimes I don’t believe you.
And I think he’s right
I think I’ll be okay
Mostly I’m scared it won’t work.
But I know that I love him even more than purple is my favorite color.
So I will wait.
I will be tired
I will watch thoughts grow into weeds that try and suffocate me
You planted with your green thumb
That seems to only sow sorrow and hollow smiles
I will count sleepless nights
Like you taught me to count sheep
If that means one day I will wake up smiling next to him and not hear armies clashing
It would be worth everything
He is worth everything.
He is the only thing I see worth in
And for this I must thank you.
I would not have found him without you and your armies and my memories
For him I must fight.
I must fight not only you but myself.
I must join the battles for my mind
I must become a warrior woman
I must become everything you convinced me I couldn’t
I will shout victory cries while watching me grow bigger than your lies.
I will allow myself to outgrow this
I will trade battle swords for poems
I will trade nightly self-hatred sessions for kisses and cuddles
Though it hurts, growing always hurts
I will outgrow you

War Cries

My mind is a battlefield
It knows the horror of war.
But wounds inflicted and received here pain the same enemy.
Thoughts dressed up in battle armor fighting for jurisdiction
My mind has lost control.
I am the only one not fighting for it
I stand frozen wondering who will win
What will my fate be?
Thoughts toss back and forth
Followed only by memories
Love and hate
I watch not knowing who will win
I am a statue who can only be brought to life by the most destructive or the most kind
I seem to be fueled only by my own blood, only move when my head is on the brink of explosion
Inside there is destruction.
Outside there are bright eyes and questions.
Through my eyes I see what they are fighting for.
Hands shake
Eyes close
decisions and lies
What will I reach for?
Lifeline
Or
Sharp edges
That promise to make it stop
I have noticed that thoughts never stay inside
Released they must be
But there are too many ways of doing this.
I wish it were simpler.
But my thoughts don’t always remind me of all my options.
Lately they seem hell bent on my destruction.
They are tired of fighting you see
They are tired of making my decisions
They are tired of their own blood.
I am tired of watching battles that are never won
I am tired of nearly exploding
I am tired of shaking and closing my eyes
Only to open them again.
I am tired of nights that know everything but sleep
I am tired of eyes that only seem to know tears.
I am tired of nights whose only company are memories.
I am tired.
I just want to sleep, I just want peace.

Ocean of Memories

My head is sick with a hurricane
The illness has yet to be officially discovered
But I can think of no diagnoses more true
It always starts with a nice calm breeze full of sweet memories
But instead of dying down and gently setting my hair on my shoulder again
It speeds up
Whipping everything out of place as
Sweet turns to bitter
Bitter turns to heartbreaking
Heartbreaking turns to the tsunami wave of panic I can’t escape
I am panicking like there is a wave washing everything away
These tides of horrifying memories
Leak through my eyes
As I get knocked down onto my side
The only safe place is a bathtub curled up like a baby in a womb hidden under a pile of blankets.
Unfortunately, there is no forecast to rely on
This illness is not seasonal
This affliction is year round
No warnings, no sirens
It is hard to sleep with a hurricane in your head.
Convinced if I close my eyes just for a second
I will drown
Drowning in memories
I have tried to escape the waves for too long
I don’t know how to stop a mind from drowning.
All the advice I’m getting doesn’t seem to come from people experienced in hurricanes
They say bring an umbrella
I do, but my umbrella is stolen by the wind
They say wear rain boots
I do, but my boots do not stand a chance against an ocean.
I do not know what can stand against an ocean