Thoughts of a Former Churchgoer

Damnation is my punishment.
I am pure evil.
My heart is as black as my soul, at least that’s what I’ve been told to believe.
I fled the truth and traded it in for debauchery.
I am worthless, all value lost when I walked away from pews and hymnals
All value lost when I walked away from hearing how to live my life.
Knowing the only way, I can find salvation again would be to return to the home of those who hate me has little appeal.
And yet I sit everyday knowing my worth, or lack thereof and know the only way to get it back.
For twenty years, I was told my only value was held in a man who died 2000 years ago, and walking away from his followers would mean a fate worse than death it would mean an eternity in the most excruciating pain I could ever imagine.
And I would get it worse because I knew the truth and still chose to turn away.
So, I sit here in a coffee shop on a Saturday afternoon tears threatening to break free because I know that those I love think I’m damned and that despite my best efforts to stop thinking the same way I believe it too.
I’m a worthless human being who will burn in hell for all eternity.
And even knowing this it is still better than the alternative which is returning to the lion’s den to be eaten alive by crusaders brandishing weapons of mass destruction in order to get me to do their bidding
I chose, I choose hell over hell on earth.


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