Growing Pains

I guess I’m an insomniac but different.
The nights where I don’t sleep are better than the others.
Those nights where sleep finds me are filled with haunting faces and terror.
It is a war-zone when I am sleeping
It is a war-zone when I wake
How much I yearn for rest.
I am tired of watching me kill myself
I am tired of waiting to die.
I am tired of wondering whose fault it was
I am tired of being terrified it was mine.
I am tired of doubting the truth because it comes from my memories
I am tired of the consequences
I am tired of knowing how you must have felt
I am tired of knowing how you must have felt about me
I am tired of beating myself up
I am tired of trying to stop.
I am tired of waiting, because time doesn’t seem to be fixing this one.
I am oh so tired.
But when I open my eyes
I see him
And he is beautiful
And he has been tired too
His face knows both smiles and tears
You wouldn’t believe me
He has taught me how to cry and
He will teach me how to smile
Because he’s had armies in his mind, just like mine
Created by someone just like you
He learned how to fight back
He has promised to help me fight too.
Sometimes I don’t believe you.
And I think he’s right
I think I’ll be okay
Mostly I’m scared it won’t work.
But I know that I love him even more than purple is my favorite color.
So I will wait.
I will be tired
I will watch thoughts grow into weeds that try and suffocate me
You planted with your green thumb
That seems to only sow sorrow and hollow smiles
I will count sleepless nights
Like you taught me to count sheep
If that means one day I will wake up smiling next to him and not hear armies clashing
It would be worth everything
He is worth everything.
He is the only thing I see worth in
And for this I must thank you.
I would not have found him without you and your armies and my memories
For him I must fight.
I must fight not only you but myself.
I must join the battles for my mind
I must become a warrior woman
I must become everything you convinced me I couldn’t
I will shout victory cries while watching me grow bigger than your lies.
I will allow myself to outgrow this
I will trade battle swords for poems
I will trade nightly self-hatred sessions for kisses and cuddles
Though it hurts, growing always hurts
I will outgrow you

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