Sometimes it feels like the thoughts in my head are nuclear explosions
And my words, if I were to speak them, the nuclear fallout that always follows.
The cloud that goes wherever the wind takes it.
It hangs in the air and it changes how things will be forever.
And you can never know where it will land.
Where it will cause the most damage.
I think I learned this when listening to Her speak.
I saw how she threw them out without thinking
And I saw and I felt the fall out.
I saw bright blue sun shiny days ruined with clouds of thoughtlessness.
And it scared me.
It scarred me.
It scared the voice right out of me.
Every time I open my mouth I am terrified of the consequences
And sometimes it feels like I’m a volcano storing words that
Always no matter how hard I try
Eventually erupt and set the sky on fire.
I do not want to bury people in my ashes
Recently I have learned how words can be hugs.
And at first I thought it was delusional, because words have power
And hugs are just hugs.
They are meaningless embraces to show societally acceptable affection I used to cringe away from.
I knew better than to be seduced by them.
But lately I have grown to love them so see there power.
I’ve seen the safety from the storm of arrows that seem to fall all around me, trying to take pieces of me with them and hugs are all that keep me together.
Words can be hugs too.
And they are powerful.
I want to wrap my words around you and hold you close.
And tell you why you are safe here with me.
But it is hard to do something I have always feared and never tried,
It is hard to slowly release something I used to push down
Push down
And push down
Until I could not take it anymore
And I’d see my worst fears come to life
And I promised myself to never let the words fall out again.
But you showed me words full of comfort and strength
You showed me blankets of warmth without burns
I want to learn.
So you tell me I must practice.
It is hard to practice.
But you promised to take my swords and show me how to soften them.
You promised to take my silence and let it fall away, without fear of consequences.
You have given me a safe place, where any damage will always have purpose
I will share with you the words that fall out,
And I hope they have strength
And I hope they have fire
But I hope they do not leave us burned.


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