Enemy Invasion

Imagination is my enemy

My nemisis, my villan

Consistency is my friend

My shoulder to lean on.

It holds me up when everything is falling down

Consitently imagining ways for my life to go wrong

Leaves a funny taste in my mouth

It’s difficult to separate friend from enemy when they both seem to hurt

Today I’ve had one panic attack, two thoughts of suicide, and three I wish I was never born.

Those aren’t the real numbers , it just sounded better. It’s only been two hours since I’ve woken up and still the numbers keep climbing.

Sleeping is my sanctuary, my escape

Except when she brings her friends nightmares and memories too close for comfort.

It seems my enemies have invaded my safety.

What is safety?

I haven’t found safety in my mind in a long time

How I long for a safe place for my thoughts to rest for my friends to gather without risk of invasion.

Pretty Pictures

Pretty pictures pieced together

Painting a life led by none

Pretty faces smiling

Masking pretty faces crying their whole lives away

Pretty posts with pretty words

Only a decoder can detect the truth

Read between the lines and

Look under the bed

Pretty pictures hide pictures filled with pain

Smoke Dreams

Thoughts collide

Voices whisper

Ways of escape

Background noise

Everything’s booming

Thoguht control inflicted

Trying to kill the little thoughts

That make big promises

Out of smoke

Trying to retrain the unrestrained mind

Thought control promises release, freedom

Sounds of whispered promises

Made of smoke dreams

 

Dull Scissors

Cut my hair with dull scissors

As tears filled eyes just emptied

Hair falls in patches

Numbness is all I feel

I can’t remember why I’m crying

Tears fall again

Third time today

Still don’t know why I’m crying

Pull my body back to bed and disapear back into the mattress that has become my home

I’m depressed but the appointment tomorrow seems like too much effort right now

Just want to curl up in a ball and sleep

Sleep my friend that seems to abandon me when I need him the most

 

Sleep

Sleep is my protector

My commitment issue suicide

It takes the days’ pain aways

And gives me visions

Vision of greener fields and of monsters

Sleep wraps me in his arms and dances me away from life

Sometimes the dance is scarier than life

Filled with death and monsters that are only fuzzy memories when I wake

Maybe it feels better when the monsters are actually monsters and not just thoughts in your own head.

Armor

Cotton candy dreams

Steel factory finds

Hard edges replace soft spaces

Becoming my own suit of armor

With forgotten pills and skipped meals

I will build myself a wall

Strong enough to keep the enemy out

Too bad the enemy is me

Or a part of me

Thinking I can’t become more than a shell

Losing what I’m dying to protect

Flying Suit

 

Once I thought I could build a flying suit that would turn me into a bird

I would finally know freedom and life

I wouldn’t be held down, I would be lifted up

I am now free falling towards the earth with only fumes of hope for a parachute

The suit made out of lies told by ghosts I can’t even see anymore

I thought I was learning to fly

I didn’t realize I was learning to fall

I thought I was learning to fly

I didn’t realize I was learning to die

Dying to be better

Dying to be more

Dying to be worth something in this world

Dying to get out of a bed that has made me a hostage

Dying for my mind to be unbroken