Queen

Sadness seeps from my eyes

Yet I can’t help but smile.

I will build a fortress to hide behind

To hide my fears from you

To hide myself from you.

My towers will tower above all fear

My moat will drown out the indifference

I will cloak myself in indestructibility

I will build myself up while you try and tear me down

I will be my own god to glorify

I will not let myself be trapped by your crusades

I will wear my battle scars with pride

Rise up from the ashes

Queen of my damn castle.

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Hope Baptism

Stability

Something I’ve longed for

Finally within my reach.

Hope for the future finally attainable.

Dreams turning into more than smoke

Finally becoming figures that dance in front of my face.

A face finally free from tears and pain.

Hope springs eternal and I’m finally baptizing myself

Fully submersing myself in these hopeful waters.

 

 

Life Continues

Coffee in hand, I sit here and think about life.

My life. Your life. The life of the dog walking past the window.

I think and I think and yet I can’t come up with a reason.

A reason why this thing called life, exists.

I’m left perplexed and confused.

I look around me and wonder how can we all exist, with passions and triumphs.

With betrayals and love.

How does this experience come to be?

How do I move forward not knowing how or why or what?

I must, I guess, continue despite not knowing.

 

Wonder and Wander

People scurry past

Faces forward not looking about, not wondering I mean wandering

I wander.

I wonder if that’s why the sky doesn’t make sense to my eyes

Only darkness does.

Insomnia is my new lover

Holding me in his arms whispering sweet nothings until I do not fall asleep.

Staring holes into the ceiling begging for relief

Turning into feline, cat naps for days

Awakened only by darkness

My days are backwards

I do my best thinking by moonlight

And by best thinking I mean overthinking

I mean I need to stop thinking

It’s overwhelming

The number of problems my brain finds between the hours between awake and asleep

I’ll just wait for the wondering to turn to wandering again

Won’t Stop

Sadness seeps through my eyes like tears

But unlike tears only those I love can see it

I whisper sweet nothings to myself like

Just make it 5 more minutes or

Just live until dinner.

I stare at bottles of medications determining what dose to take today

Whether to heal or to end

I don’t know where I stand in a world that’s constantly spinning

Feels like my head is constantly spinning with thoughts that take over

An invasion of sorts

Where my mind is the battlefield

Where my soul is the victory

I fight every day to maintain a little sanity

My mini sanity

What is sanity?

I don’t hear voices

So I must be sane.

I just hear the thoughts that won’t stop no matter how hard I squeeze my head

I just hear the thoughts that won’t stop no matter how hard I close my eyes

I just hear the thoughts that won’t stop

Please let them stop

I’d do anything to make them stop

And that’s what’s scary

 

I Am a Person

I am an Island

The island

The soft place to land when your wings are tired

Surrounded but never surrendered

360 views and mountain top experiences

I am the bird

The bird that lands on an island

Flying from who knows where

Searching for a nice place to nest

Searching for peace

I am the mountain

The one with the most views, top views

Mr. Popular

Tourist destination

Can’t hide this

I am the beach

That washes away slowy

Day by day

Year by year

Where people gather to watch me disapear

Where people lay there hot bodies down to toast in the summer sun

I am a person

Just a person

Wishing to be inanimate objects to hide from my reality

Wishing for a place to nest, for a look out point, for a soft place to land

I am a person

Flowing like a river down a winding path

Hoping to reach my destination

Destination incredible

Summer vacation spot

Year-long vacation spot

More than a vacation spot

A place to lay my head, a place to call my own

I am a person

Life

Quiet nights fueled by heated days

Windswept hair and golden lights

Every twist and turn a story

Remember when’s a distant memory

Trust the all encompassing gift

Youth calling out for freedom

Utopias longed for

Ideologies questioned

Opportunities looked upon and down upon

People running a world without a promise